How to get to the Oregon Medical Laser Center from the AIRPORT.

Poor Map from the airport (30K)

Poor local map (18K)

Poor map of the lower level of the hospital (33k)

Here are some directions to get to the Oregon Medical Laser Center from the airport.

• Rent a car from whomever will let you.
• Follow the traffic out of the airport onto I-205 southbound.
• Take the I-84 westbound exit.
• Hum happily to yourself, everything is cool as you stay in the left-hand lane for a few miles.
• After a tune or two you will notice that you are being wisked off to I-5 southbound. Do not panic.
• Stay calm and slowly scoot into the left-hand lane once again. You will cross a mighty bridge over a big water. Unfortunately, you will be too busy driving to get a good look at the view. This is the best bridge to sightsee from, but only during traffic jams.
• If you remain in the blessèd (left) lane, you will naturally take the Hwy 26/I-405 North exit. If not, then hum a happy tune as you try to find your way to the hospital with help from perfect strangers.
• After crossing the bridge stay in your lane. Do not be tempted by the other evil lanes. Do not be intimidated by cars swooping in from the left and from the right.
• Remain in your lane for one exit (which will eat the lane to your right.)
• You will now be in the far right lane when you reach the Hwy 26 westbound/12th Street exit. Avoid the cars trying to merge left as you merge right to take this exit. This will be a two lane exit so there is some room for screwing up. Stay left. If you exit onto 12th street exit, try to contain your excitement when you see Nordstrom's as you wander aimlessly around downtown Portland.
• You should now be on Hwy 26 heading west into a big tunnel through a mighty mountain. You will be in the left hand lane. Stay in it through big tunnel and up the mighty hillside.
• Hum happily to yourself and reflect upon a most excellent navigating/driving job.
• Drive along for a few more tunes and wait for the 69B exit. There should be a sign for St. Vincent Hospital in blue. This will happen shortly after Hwy 26 becomes three lanes.
• After taking the Hwy 69B exit smoothly and with great elegance, turn right at the stoplight at the end of the exit. You need to be in the center lane so that you can directly cross Barnes Road at the next traffic light.
• Slow for the speed bumps.
• Zero in on the parking structure and park. This is employee parking, so put on a sour expression. Please don't forget to hum a happy tune as you pass one filled parking place after another.
• Follow the signs to the hospital entrance. You need to get to the west end of the building on the lower level.
• Once inside, walk as far as you can straight. People might start staring at you if you hum too loudly, so be circumspect.
• When you get to the the elevators, eschew them. Keep walking, go around three more corners. Walk to the end of the very long hall that follows.
• Turn right at the end of the hall and follow the hallway around a corner to the left.
• Do not pause to pump weights at the Wellness Works.
• Turn right and avoid at the siren-song corridor straight ahead. The laser center will be a the last door on the left.
• Enter. (You can hum loudly now for we all know what we think of you already.)

If you get lost, call the main laser center number at 216-2109, or Lisa Buckley at 216-2044, or Steve Jacques at 216-4092. Do not call me for directions, since my directions are worthless.

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